I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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