His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
