Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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