it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
