captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
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We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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