i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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