i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
