He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
