you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
