I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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