Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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