shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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