I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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