omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
