I wish I could teleport
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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