You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
