Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
