i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
