just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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