My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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