We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
