Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
