Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
