last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
