she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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