My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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