bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
