I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
