WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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