I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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