Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she told me i tasted like america
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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