New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
