I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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