with your own penis?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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