90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
