theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
