I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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