Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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