his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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