ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
