I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
