Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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