Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
