i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
