youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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