Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
