When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I want a musical about memes.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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