I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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