My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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