Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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