I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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