oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
