I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
