my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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