I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
