Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
