It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
