First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
