her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
