He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.