This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
