I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
