Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
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It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.