Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.